I've been thinking a lot about etiquette recently. A self-professed cad and bearer of tin ear, I've been an avid reader of books on social etiquette since I could read. Picking up on social cues is an art as much as it is a science. While propriety can be codified and recorded, savoir faire and social elegance are akin to alchemy - part base substance and part transmutation. One thing's definite, if you don't use 'em, you lose 'em ... manners that is.
A friend of mine is a teacher at an all boys school and he told me that an important rule that's enforced at the school is the "no single word responses" rule. That is, rather than, "yes," "no" or "dunno," the boys are reminded to acknowledge people as they speak to them. For example, "yes, sir," "no, Mr. Drake."
Realizing that it may seem dated and prudish, it seems that manners and etiquette are just as important now as they've ever been. On the surface such codes of conduct may seem to be superficial at best and elitist at worst, but beneath it all lies an important link to humanity: acknowledging and affirming the existence of another person. P.M. Forni, PhD is well known for his writing and speaking on the topic of civility. According to Forni the heart of civil society lies in the ability to acknowledge, be it through a nod or a gesture, that somebody else besides you exists and that they are your equal.
My social challenge has always been that my natural state of being is deep inside my head. I've been checking in and out of conversations, classes and tasks (and getting in trouble for it) for decades. Folks like Emily Post and her rellies have given me the tools I need to puzzle out where and how to re-insert myself, mitigating insulting behavior.
A fascinating development in modern social society is the way technology and our relationship with it emulates the challenges I've had for my whole life. Today, few people bother to excuse themselves before checking smartphones for messages, and I can't remember the last time I saw somebody move to a private space to take (or make) a phone call ... unless the reception was bad. No worries, this isn't where I'm going to get preachy ...
I find it interesting that in only 15 years social norms have shifted such that people are intently observing and learning the codes of social network etiquette and manners for the digital age while we seem to be losing those that were important in the world in which we're living. The more I read about social networking etiquette and accepted norms in digital communications I'm seeing that these new practices are informed by many of Emily Post's rules.
What does it all mean? Who knows?
I'll say this though, I love that the likes of Emily Yaffe and Farhad Manjoo are tackling these kinds of things in their witty and informative podcast:
Manners for the Digital Age in Slate Magazine. Consider this your invitation to check it out.
(RSVPs optional)
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